Today we bear witness to some truly spectacular carnage
ne mē swōr fela āða on unriht
Better bad news, half-true more-or-less, 100% of the time
scotland celebrates second decade as “most obese country in europe”
“you have the watches, we have the time”
bourgeois rainbow deacon thinktank shits out more cyber-blasphemy laws
“understaffing” popular new synonym for overpopulation
Reanimated Elephant Man shamed by children with mirror
Cats are animal vectors for neurotropic agent; weirdos eradicate felines for “greater good”
“That’s it…IT’S WAR!!!!!!!”
McDonalds starts offering NFTs with happy meals
people who post inspirational quotes on social media “highly likely to be unstable creeps” – study finds
“belt and road” marches on
“bath shaped woman to be used as life raft” – the portsmouth twat
peabrain fuddy duddies & baizuo incel goblins coalesce into one giant rainbow turd grifter virgin voltron
lobotomised gawk in awe at Wanksy’s new stencil
intentional community outlawed for natives
Pope divides plunder with proud
new mushroom eating cult suddenly think they know everything
“Star Warz 22: NaZiz r baD” & “Godfather 12: Son of Godfather” premiere St. Tibbs day, september 5th of april
poundshop Che Guevara blood-eagled by English peasantry
“You vill own nothing, you vill live in ze pod, you vill eat ze pillz & be ‘appy” – says weird rich dude
rare photographs found of Mrs hitler and cute little baby adolf
Oxford study reveals direct correlation between pet dog avatars & room temp IQs
“we can PRINT MONEY to BUY ASSETS!” – ECB
Local Woman caught Having Tea Party With Frog Again
“haha look we got CAT! we just like you. u got cat? we got cat 🤪” – POTUS
Where now for lad raised by puffins?
another boomer twists affordability crisis into moral failing by youth
“Keep your pimp hand strong” – says Bungo Womble
time traveling Acid rain from the 90s melts milkman
Working class lads across the country slap on wigs to save money on car insurance
altar boys fly over steeple in catholic clergy clay pigeon hell
soft marrow in tyrannosaur bones? b-b-b-bing bong bingbing boong
Nu-York erects statue of “St. Barabbas”
freakishness in the arts continues masquerading as originality
eunuch hollywood actor hops on trenbolone – “it’s just hard work, chicken, rice & broccoli!”
private losses require public debts for some reason
The Battle of Hastings & its consequences have been a disaster for the human race
Sacked chimney-sweep pumps boss full of mayonnaise
“I LIKE THE SMELL OF BABY LION” screamed baglady, who ran naked into the big cats enclosure at Chester zoo this morning.
People use [insert spectacle] as a tool to feel better than others
elusive WMD’s finally discovered inside fabergé egg suspended by tentacles in temple deep beneath Washing-Tongue Duck
foreign entry in to labour competition outlawed topic for “uneducated lumpenprole”
“The next polar flip and mini-nova, in His galactic rhythm, will occur on Oct. 16 2046” – The Druid Times
three men shot at canary wharf
stentorian hyperbole infuriates bourgeois bay area
what the heck is going on?
by Jingo Scribbins
every day we hear new news, those ordinary rumours of war, plagues, fires, thefts, murders, massacres, meteors and comets, prodigies and dullards, beasts and apparitions, towns taken, cities besieged, gain-of-function crimes against humanity, and such like.
thousands and thousands of generations of people who suffered birth, disease, starvation and lonely death so that you could sit there today.. the redeemer of the human enterprise, the prodigal species, descended into the inferno of matter to recover the pearl of immortality, whose virtues wounded by our worthless words; whomst’d’ve will speak & thy praises tell?
by JAM ÆLFǷIN
Tortoises actually come out of their shell in the wild when they go for a nice swim or foraging up trees for tomatoes.
“EXPERTZ” say the tortosaurus can also do that thing where if they fall they spin in the air and always land on their feet, just like cows.
When did the tortoise evolve?
The same time as cigars, I think. After fish, definitely. Around 1932, thereabouts?
Legend says the tortongle’s favourite food is sausages.
My teacher at school was Mrs. Turtle. She had a strange name but she tortoise well. Rest in peace.
Has Science Gone Too Far? IS THIS IMAGE REAL OR FAKE?
CHAT TO HOT LADYBABEZ IN YOUR LOCAL AREA
Ads by Grendel
by Basil Hobnob
You won’t believe this but back in the day you could fly to Nu-York, have lunch, a bottle of merlot, see that overpriced Broadway show all the ponces like, fly back same night, taxi from airport back home, and STILL have change from a 1000 bob. It’s true. When was that you say? Last Wednesday. Yes, yes we all remember last Wednesday, don’t we? back when we could fill up the ol’ shanks-pony with petrol and still have a fiver in change from a 300 quid note.
See this? That’s a tenner that is. Collector’s item. What can you get for one nowadays? Precious little. One of these puppies used to get you a whole round of toast with gravel on it, (not buttered toast, obviously) a whole ration of breadystacks with some cheeky marmite or nuttygum & fruit spleggings! When was that you say? Wednesday, 1942.
Back in the heyday, right, for ten lizards you could build a cottage in the Cotswolds, settle down, have the pick of any woman, have 5 kids, and STILL have money left to start a business… When was that you say? Wednesday, 1832.
“Ten whoppers?! That’s outrageous!” Not long ago, for a tenner, right, those colonials would sail to America, steal some land, build a house, purchase some powerful Igbo folk, & STILL start a cotton farm. When was that you say? Last Wednesday, 1748.
“Bloody ripoff!” I remember a time when a tenner could buy you your own galleon, hire an entire crew of shipmates, sail to the west indies with as much rum as you need, as much tobacco as you want, provisions for an entire year, the pick of any woman, have 12 kids, bit of piracy, piss off the Spaniards, and STILL have several hundred guineas left in change… When was that you say? Wednesday, 1593.
Atomic Tooth Finish ^Rock n’ Dole^ Tour
by Wayne Car
Local band “Cosmic Strewth” are promoting their upcoming album for the vegan eco-fascist record label: Subterranean-Protoplasmic-y2k-Atomic-Intrusions Incorporated, and we invited them back due to public demand and complaints about the last interview.
—Ugh it’s you again, seems you have a new member?
Jingo: I was always here you mongo.. too blind to see Puckfolk ever since Robin Goodfellow, you lot.
Juice: Jingo’s on Anglo concertina, harpsichord, tin whistle & turntables.
Jingo: Our previous flautist Jethro had trouble remembering his name so we dropped him down a lift shaft in Kalifornia.
Johnny: o how the drudging Puck swet, 2 earn her cream-bowle. ever as ragged as a colt-pixie
Jam: ‘Ello Wayne mate
—Yeah hi. How did the California tour go?
Jam: Had a lovely time in the Great Satan. Lived in a walmart carpark for a while, chatted with the local homeless lads about UFOs.
Jingo: Yeah, real proud of ourselves, in 3 nights we did over 7 million quid worth in damage, apparently.
—How many people came to the concerts?
Jam: short circuit.
Juice: nah, 5.
Jingo: 12 if you count the roadies. 3 better than Nu-York, and on the Cotswolds tour we got sweet Fanny Adams.
—What’s the group doing now?
Jam: Jingo’s doing house arrest for throwing a flautist down a lift shaft. Longshanks has this niggling brain injury since 1322BC, if it wasn’t obvious already. Oh and our Johnny is starting AA, drinks far too much scrumpy. He’d be playing bottleneck guitar & drinking out the bottle at the same time.. Even our manager Mortimer wanted to fire the lad so we fired that spacko instead
Jingo: And gave him a right & proper wedgy/chinese burn combo.
—As a band you’re very prone to violence, is it true that in Australia you burnt down your audience?
Johnny: t’was mishuderstad ning.
Juice: Lasers on lil Johnny’s lute lit up a lilo… laugh emoji 100
Jingo: Combine that with hell-on-earth, fire emoji x2
Jam: Anyone remember when a billion animals died down under? World forgot about that proper quick. Bloody sick.
Juice: Hype dies & birks bimble back to cat videos, or listening to some ponce with the same worldview criticise people with another worldview.
Johnny: wither’d brainz, torn & twisted by telepresence
Jam: Hypernormal lobotomy
Jingo: This is why violence is great. It’s only when we’re being REALLY violent that we’re truly at peace! That’s one of Shyloque’s sayings, that is.
Juice: He’s our new tour guru.
—Guru? from California?
Juice: No he’s from London.
Jingo: Same thing.
Jam: He worked in Wetherspoons before we hired him as our full time guru.
—Why do you have a guru?
Juice: Well we were searching for the lizard people under Loose Angles, so after wading through “the village people” we finally found an entrance to the cosmic ovum & in the tunnels below there was this bloke knocking about dressed up like one of those clowns with a poncho spouting word-salad about “mother gaia” you know? we like a good word-salad, so we invited him along.
Jam: Bloody love a bit of gobbledygook!
Jingo: Eastern cozeners? Yuppie uptalk? Philosophical hodgepodge? Corporate marketing gibberish? Communitarian techno-babble? Yes please!
Johnny: lingual spellz, canticlez of the social engineer
Jam: Absolutely rat-arsed he is look
—Did you find the lizard people?
Jingo: No, but they find you eventually.
Shyloque: Mrs Flimflam sez – To undurstend errythang, we muzt know nothang.. ayynd to know nothaaang, is to druly undurstend errythaaang, y’all!
Jam: Oooo yeah, nice & vague
—Who is Mrs Flimflam?
Juice: That’s his landlady. She gets these terrific insights in to “man’s true nature” and he sells them to a West End shop.
—Are they good?
Jam: They’re expensive.
Juice: Shyloque got the heinous idea to stick little word salads throughout our album
—When’s it out?
Jam: Saint Tibb’s day, we’re releasing it in 72-part segments with big gaps in so when it’s bottled off to Hollywoodland they can stuff it with adverts because they love those.
Johnny: -groans of buried ghosts the heofons do pierce, where th scrumpy ?
—Well I’m sure all 5 of your listeners are very excited!
Jam: Cheers, piccadilly.
Juice: You haven’t changed one bit wibbly wobbly wayne.
Jingo: passive aggressive poofter
—I don’t like you. I don’t like your band, your terrible music, and most of all I don’t like my P’PAH who called me an oik throughout my childhood.
Jam: It’ll be alright mate, chin up.
Juice: You are an oik, Wayne.
Jingo: A freakish little homunculus of a man.
Johnny: my kingdom 4 a cider
Jam: Wassail, lad
There we have it, netizens, another superb interview by Me, I’m firing on all cylinders if I do say so Myself. See you next week for another journalistic masterpiece by Moi, Wayne Car.
local nutter found in gutter
by Wimpey Roadstone
His subculture hollowed out, a flash in the pan, leveraged to sell rainbow burgers & bouncy ball shoes across the pond.
CONT. ON PAGE 11.
by Tudor Sykes
The local wizard left his tower on the edge of Somerset for the city earlier this morning, to visit the “dark satanic mills” where Fishfingers are made.
“I seek not applause; ’tis the common doom of all. My business is my own.” He told us, before scuttling back in to the wilderness with armfuls of Fishfinger boxes.
Battle-o’-the-Bards Interview with Losers – Atomic Shoes
by Wayne Car
Juice: Not our name
—What was it again? Sonic Tooth?
Jam: Atomic Gerbil Orchestra
Juice: Spice Xers
Johnny: our name is sung both near & far on lipz of ghoulz & tonguez of bardz
—Why are you blue/green? Aliens? Are you ill? What’s with all the arms?
Jam: Glandular condition; their cross to bear
Juice: Cradle to grave radiation, baby.
Johnny: @ the hue men gaped aghast, in her face & form that show’d; as a fay-man fell she pass’d, & green all over glow’d
Juice: Billions of becquerels of strontium-90, cesium-137 & tritium floating about.
Jam: Cyning Herla took a dip in the Wye & never came back.
Jingo: Don’t blame him.
—What’s this about being a virtual band? Not real?
Jingo: I know right? Cheeky little sausages.
Juice: Atomic Youth is a [the] real world
Johnny: the perception of Truth as ideology imposed upon reali-T
Johnny: re-juiced 2 mere stuff on which the wylle acts in termz of deed
—Right. Can you just say when your ‘record’ is out or what plectrums you use or something?
Jam: AYV I-V SUNSET TRAJECTORY, AVAILABLE 17/10/17 ON ALL THE USUAL SUSPECTS.
Juice: Only thing worse than the music biz are ‘journalists’ most of whom wipe from back to front and eat dry wall.
Johnny: the mitred peacock’s lofty cry shall 2 his master be a guide
Jam: Wibbly wobbly Wayne
Johnny: a creature of growth & capable of sweetness
—Can we just use your “music” on a giveaway CD to help our magazine sales?
Jingo: Ooo who is “we”?
Johnny: u lard ur lean books w/ the fat of others works
Juice: Told you, the music business is still a dumpster fire of sleaze and perks..
Jam: Jiggery pokery days of mass bribes & cocaine weekends are done-zo, tho
Juice: When Luly Allon’s first album came out every journalist and radio DJ was provided with poppers and a groupie who never learnt to speak
Johnny: caesar doth bestride the narrow world
—This has gone off-piste, we didn’t cover this in rainbow class.
Jingo: Hope that bourgeois stuff didn’t come out of my taxes!
Juice: You lot ever reported on Operation Darkroom?
Jingo: Or that American child trafficking Epstein nonce island stuff?
Juice: Ever searched “balance sheet of Deutsche Bank”? Hilarious
Johnny: ̆▅●▄█▅||█▄▅||█●~ ::~ :►
Jam: Sometimes I get a lytel tick’d off hearing that wicked riff from Achilles Last Stand in Final Fantasy 7.
Johnny: albion remainz, sleeping now 2 rise again
Juice: What music do you like, wibbly wobbler?
Jam: And what’s your favourite vegetable, mate? Mine’s the humble pineapple ’tis.
Jingo: A sphincter sezwot?
—Is a pineapple even a vegetable??
Johnny: base & illiterate scribbler
Jam: Come on, piccadilly
—Ok then, a pineapple is a vegetable.
Juice: Now you sound like the average journalist
Jingo: Have you thought about learning to code?
This interview is redacted and the band were asked to leave the building. Next week we ask the question: Are people difficult bastards or not? To help us find out we will interview a really difficult bastard, and the bishop of Somerset.
Trumpton slave trade
by Huxley Babkins
Windy Miller, a native of the anarcho-authoritarian caste-based Anglo ethno-state of Camberwick Green, was caught smuggling euro-slaves into the village last Tīƿesdæȝ. Four score and seven gopniki were found toiling at Colly’s Mill for the dictator, under poor workplace conditions & paid a pittance in Parma Violets. Merlot swilling ponces are now protesting in favour of foreign slave labour, waddling through city streets waving laminated placards adorned with platitudes such as: “♥CONTINENTALS YOKED TO GEAR & WHEEL!♥” & “bUT wHo WiLl GRiNd thE bArLeY?”. Miller has been reported as being an alcoholic who “gets rat-arsed [sic] on ‘bathtub wine’ regularly” by his now estranged wife, Mizz Miller.
by Pippin Pribble
A national state of emergency has been declared across the Falkland Islands yesterday after an argument spread from a local pub. The disagreement, which started as a difference of opinion on sandwiches, now involves over 1000 people across the islands. Professional negotiators were sent in but could not resist becoming embroiled in the mess. Television stations have gone off air as otherwise polite presenters have erupted into swearing and twatting one another across the bonce. A statement from the home secretary says that unless the quarrel is broke up by morning, they may have to resort to a “thermonuclear solution”.
protean technopriests at it again
by Sheila d’Pee-Qinq
In the dark & cursed realm of the Bay Area, utopian-plutocrats of babylon valley are developing revolutionary marketing innovations that will terraform the hearts and minds of the youth, and the very landscape of corporate rainbow advertising as we know it.
“Soon your DNA will be stored and your genome used to target advertisements based on your genetic disposition!” says Toomgis Jaffarson, a core developer on the Cyborg-Grey-Soup-Kinda-Thing™ project. One of our stateside correspondents reached out for further comment:
Angus Belleville Rendezvous: “Hello, think you could sum up this quantum bio-algorithm thing for a semi-educated, know-it-all moron like me?”
Toomgis Jaffarson: “Sure thang y’all! Well, you start with the firstborns, you see? Cook ’em up all roasty toasty, extra crispy.” *gestures with decrepit coder claw*
Angus Budokai Tenkaichi: “You like ‘em crispy, too, eh? Haha. Ha. Hehe”
Toomgis Precious-Eagle-Cactus-Fruit: “Crispy critters! Inject vegetable oil, pinch of progesterone, SSRIs, pop an amphetamine or 12, and a good old vivisection or two..”
Angu B: “xD”
Toomgu J: “..Magic dirt, neuroplastic ellipse, freedom-slave, piss, nano-particulates of aloominum, mercury, prions.. and that’s about it. Oh and the chants! Of course… can’t forget the chants! The chants of power. They’re essential to our everyday work. The chants. Chanting.”
Angu: “Woaw, that’s just fascinating, thanks!”
Toomg: “No probz, anything for a homie, you know?”
Ang: “Aye babe.😘”
chained to the woruld
in steel cathedrals
cardboard coloured dreams
blood & swash!
by Helen Smellyparrot
Cornish fishermen have been attacked by a Spanish trawler in a new fishing war. One vessel escaped back to port, three sheets to the wind, after Spaniards off the coast of Land’s End cut nets and other equipment worth thousands. Word around the scuttlebutt is ‘Neo-Queen-Anne’s-Revenge’, ‘HMS Turbo Ark-Royal’ & ‘Peter Pomegranate: Reborn’ will set sail on the morrow, over ganotes bæþ, to “Let them have it, right on the chin.”
look at this big frog
by JAM ÆLFǷIN
why is he so big?
(o)(o) / .. )___ -___ '-_ '- _ _ '. //// `.'. =' //'--__). =' ='
cecil pendragon, gnome seeking friendship
Cecil Pendragon, Cabbage Farmer
helo, my name cecil
just a lonely gnome looking for frend
i like shire horses they go clip clop.,
when i play monopol;y i put a little worm in each hotel make em feeel special for a bit
u can msg me on myspace if u liek. tyvm
Virile, pickwickian Lawyer
Jeremy Sphincter, Lawyer/Gardener
I would have really liked to plant my geraniums today but I became embroiled in some kind of senseless stoush with my neighbour. He has trees classified as “noxious weeds” around these parts, and these things are HUGE. They are getting into my plumbing via their behemoth root systems! Anyway, it’s going to cost me thousands to replace all the plumbing under the ground and my neighbour just says “wEll yOu ShoULd hAve THoUgHt aBoUT tHaT bEfoRe YoU bOugHt tHe hOUsE” so I said, “Sir, it’s worse than that; your tree branches are as thick as three bowling balls and they’re hanging in my roof guttering as we speak! The ants are using the branches as a bridge to my new air con and the whole system is infested!”. Again he says “wEll yOu ShoULd hAve THoUgHt aBoUT tHaT bEfoRe YoU bOugHt tHe hOUsE!”
So anyway, I have no mood for gardening today please come back Carol.
hwilum princess seeks bygones
Muriel Mutcliffe, Ex Vlogger
Smart, sexy, independant and very unique princess, 36 years young, who has life all figured out; desires to meet a very wealthy man. I have a masters degree in microdosing, I’ve worked as a vlogger, shaman and actress/model. I’ve made no life decisions from childhood up until this magical point where I finally escaped the clutches of my narcissistic partners. Now I’m tired almost to nausea of this artificially-elevated-bourgeois-semi-poverty and its restrictions. I seek not merely a human bank account, but a man of physical attraction as caretaker to me and my expected child. Working class men need not apply.
tall, handsome yoga instructor
Patrick Peccadillo, Pastor of Muppets
Howdy, tappa de marnin’ to y’all, i’m an Irish buddhist and yoga instructor. Didja ever consider being with a reincarnaliated, sagacious, MANLY yoga instructor (aka me)?
I am 100% straight as a fiddle; definitely not a bush dodger. I love the fee-males. I’m a good guy, i teach yoga. I’m a real catch, FLEXIBLE as heck. Really into peace & love n all that shite. Yeeeah. Just a cooool guy all around (and yoga instructor btw).
Babe, you are an ASCENDED MISTRESS…lay me out and treat me like I deserve! Whip, paddle, slap & tickle, you name it; i’m down babez. It’s a fecking CERTAINTY that the best way to get people to do what you want is to tell them EXACTLY what they WANT to hear. They don’t care that you’re a 5ft6 dweeb when you’re a yoga instructor (like me).
Fax me your shoe size, bra size, height, + your address and i’ll get back to ya quick as a fiddle. Namaste
meathead on quest for true love
Johnny Pickering, Madlad
OI OI BIG JOHNNY ERE. LOVE PUMPIN IRON, GETTIN YOKED, SWOLE, RIPPED/ / LOVE CARS. DONE LSVTECS & B SERIES SWAPS IN THE PRIME LOL. 20ROLLS, 40ROLLS W/ A GSR TRANS B16 TRANS JUMPIN ON ECLIPSE GST ON THE 2ND HONK LMAO. STILL DOING MY B20VTEC CTR CAM CRX HAHA.
ANYWAYS, I LIKE A BIRD THAT CAN YODEL, KNEW THIS HOTTIE ONCE; PROPER TOTTY, LIPS HOTTER THAN HIROSHIMA, SVELTE, GREY EYes austere, yet retaining that natural beauty & God-given fragrance of persephone. her flaxen tresses flickered playfully in the august breeze which carried her coy, goselyng yet sultry giggles like the sweetest forest stream, chattering over pebbles. peradventure an inductive feeling experienced as abduction, structural accordance twixt the rhythm of her bodily composition, feminine biomechanics, the texture & pulse of the human being as an integrated mix of cultural cognitive transformations. our souls intertwined for all eternity, spiritual fire. then the train arrived…
blast of warning horn it comes, woman body jump, little lady bump and splatter all over hot metal, massive iron smash & pulp, icky sticky splat. little brainy piece of jelly meat flying across the sky and landing on a squirrel’s face. my heart torn asunder. sO HMU HOTTIES
Strong woman seeks spontaneous Neanderthal
Gretchen Ogreburg, Tribal Queen
I am the leader of a Neo-Dobunni community that re-conquered Wiltshire in the Dark Ages according to a strange website run by someone with a superiority complex.
I enjoy fighting for ever-increasing concessions & benefits from local government, and the inalienable right to commit human sacrifice in tax payer subsidised henges.
I’m looking for a big Neanderthal to hold hands on a bi-weekly basis; please send a pic of your ‘IGF-1 2D:4D ratio’ to my email xXGretchy-babeXx@coolmail(dot)com. Puny men need not apply.
by Cyril Bazbaz
hello and welcome to schizophrenia corner, and a very big welcome from both of me, isn’t that right? Yes it certainly is.
We’d like to start off right away, wouldn’t we? Yes we certainly would; by introduci- uhh should i go on? Nono after you, you sure? yes please. Positive? Certainly… introducing our very special guests Simon Scuff-Jones, the psycho analyst taking the pseudoscience world by storm. Two psychoanals? No just the one he’s schizophrenic, too. Ah so sorry, not at all, i love you, love you too, sure? *sniffs* mmm.
—Scuff-Jones, welcome to the intervie-
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? “I DRINK TOO MUCH”? I DO NOT.
—Professor you’re here about the condition of schiz-
WHERE WHERE WHERE? GET UNDER THE CHAIR!
I’M GETTING OUT OF THIS CRAPHOLE! EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF! *jumps out window*
Well that was Simon Scuff-Jones, best selling psycho analyst, wasn’t it? Yes it certainly was.
Goodbye from me at Schizophenia Corner, and cheerio from me. See you next week with the ghost of famous chomo nonce, John Money. Tata for now, and a big kiss on the nose. Little forward.. Jealous? Not at all, you’re so controlling sometimes you know. Oh shutup.
Conspiracy Corner aka Spoiler Alerts
by Juice Longshanks
by Splig Pipkin
Watch out, there’s an aggressive new philosopher on the streets calling himself “Kung Fucius” that’s been causing a ruckus, and even assaulting multiple philosophy softies during debates. Philosofties.
On page 72 we analyse a brand new theory by Zlavoj Sizek that “Plato was actually a sissyboy that didn’t wear any panties!“
In local news, a prole from Gorsty Knoll has called Deleuze and Guattari “silly little commie poofters“, Miss Pribble of Chipping Campden has said that Rousseau was “a foppish, froggy fatty“, Willy of Winsbury says that Empedocles of Akragas “had a room temp IQ” & Mrs Brackets Pamela Betterment of the tenements Billston has referred to Marx as “a half-baked bubble git with the brains of a birk“.
In this weeks philosophy corner we examine a report that leading West End shops are selling their own philosophy, and we ask the question:
Is the viability of empirical knowledge simply the denial of apriori concepts of essence? Or, is the existential state (in the teleological sense of Cock Pooper’s falsifiability criterion) another form of Occam’s razor? or is it all a load of bollocks?
Mr Usury, chief philosophy salesman at a leading West End shop is here to respond:
“This is simply not true, our philosophy department provides the best, the most exclusive and certainly the most expensive philosophy in the world. What is more, our philosophy is sold by proper salesmen in suits, and not flogged by scruffy little dweebs! Fortnum & Mason philosophy starts at around 18k per annum, but our shop starts at a whopping 20k per year. It’s based on what Kant called ‘pure wealth’ you see, we pander to the rich. Marshall & Snelgrove philosophy states that: ‘If thee hath no moneys, ye are as a tiny piece of auteur in the eyeholes of extremely ryche folk.’ It is as easy for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heofon as it is to stick a needle into a camel. Don’t believe me? Over yonder you’ll find the pet department where Maudlin the camel awaits the Doubter’s Needle. Conclusive proof.“
—B-b-but Mista Usury sire, what if we be poor & such?
“If you are poor then you should sell what little you have and give it to the extremely rich. It makes them much much much much richer. Harrod’s philosophy teaches us that ‘All wealth belongeth to the ryche. If thou were to steal from the ryche then thou must be kill’d, for better it is- to be dead than poor’, a maxim from the gift department.“
by Mrs Brackets Pamela Betterment of the tenements Billston
Turns out Rupert Dingle’s heart attack came about after he learned that Pippin was his illegitimate son, conceived after a quick knee trembler behind the bike sheds with Sheila Tinsel in her notorious “lady-o’-the-night” costume, she doesn’t half get around that Sheila, eh?
The Foghorn of Ignorance was tooted near noon last thursday and word around the village is that Suzy Hang-around’s boy was seen skulking about 10 minutes after the fact. Despite stating he was going to get his hands dirty, dive in at the deep end and finally get to the bottom of things, flirtatious liaisons with both Bronson and Tweedy intimate that Padge’s role is merely in a ‘hush hush’ capacity. There has been plenty of smoke to suggest the fire lies behind Mrs. Rump’s backdoor but nothing in the local press, seems like another cover up. However, I was impressed with her stellar contribution in the arrest of the notorious hoodlum “Wanksy” last week, under the misuse of stencils act 1975.
Yesterday school trip students from a primary school in London returned home so we’d like to say a big thankyou and goodbye to: Albus, Zinedine, Slazenger, Francisco, Justice, Omar II, B’DingDing, Emeralda, Paris (silent s), Hamilton, d’Grass, xee-a 12, Barack, Sashimi, Neptune, Coachella, Ochre jr, Walnut and Eddie-the-peasant. Good luck & Godspeed, little atoms.
by The Art Collective: UNHAPPY, DISGUSTING, WOW!
Allo und velcom to ze poetry cornah! Yas yas it is me, Cyril Bazbaz again but I just love to writing in ze superior Übermensch accent, ya? Tonight we has a very fantastisch selekschun off poems for you! oo ya.
i wrote a poem once, and me, yes how did it go? that’s right, AHEM..
A Cultural Mess of Pottage (by Cyril & Cyril)
some people try to pick up birds and they get called an asshole.
well, this never happened to Fabio Gestapo.
he’d walk down their street & ladies couldn’t resist his bravado,
so Fabio Gestapo never got called an asshole.
women would turn the colour of an avocado when he drove down their street in his Eldorado.
Fabio Gestapo never got called an asshole.
oh well, be not bitter machismo, el goblino, this is the story of Fabio Gestapo.
he could slither down their street and chicks couldn’t resist his bravado,
so Fabio Gestapo never got called an asshole.
not like you.
Zank you zank you, now onto our local submissions. Our first piece is an elegy by Tina Borshan who’s an 11th year sociology student at Chicken-Soup University.
rubbing, longing, crying
worship, cave, fantasy, slave
weeping, riding, birthing
(this is a critique of terminal kapital)
(subscribe to my onlyfans btw)
Woawee, supah stuff ya? A big zank you to Tina! Don’t you just love modern artiztes? who even needs discipline, ya?
Our next piece is a real banger by Neil Vivian-Twang called Highschool Hermit [Metaphorically Speaking]
He’s cheesed off with Chaucer, thinks James Bond is cool
Can’t wait until he grows up & leaves school
Harvey the hermit lives in his cave
Too old for train sets, too young to shave
Highschool hermit, metaphorically speaking
Do you wanna be cooool? Is that what you’re seeking?
Oo ya, herrlichen! Now onto our next poet who is completely illiterate, & a recovering alcoholic, & an orphan, & looks weird, & did i mention illiterate? a modern day Cynewulf! Here’s Little Johnny with his first poem: Phantom Future
o dreadspawn! thou that mediateth thru cloudz of subtlety @ the watch doors of hades… blinded all 2 the course of single raindrops, every moment a tremendous celebration.. but we tear up & trample the invite.
each chain’d 2 a pinhead of light, brizzle drizzle webs the horizon while the realm spins immaculate thru silver strands, shell holes pocking roof tiles; Hwicce, this landscape of nouns.
now a clown screams & opposites fall ounce by ounce making innocents of criminals & turncoats of all. in fickle frenzy the poet’s eye & pencil’s point moves no more, & as imagination fades, the form of things known turn 2 babylon’s whore. a body w/out organs, 2 airy nothing giveth shame, a distant whimper in cinders of extinguished flame.
harken 2 the beat of swaying feet that creak beneath bare trees; the breath of yesterday playing in leaves. a rhapsody of rags & moth-eaten flags & worm eaten poles unstirring your soul. the rebel sons of mirth, þēow & serf, whom toil’d in fog & field inert. thousands of years of a people’s blood wails through soil & mud & wassail. the caves groan with the shackled & martyred. rivers of gore that made these streets of yore & stone that were paved & bartered away, orphaned, betrayed & hid, robbed of history, bowdlerised & rebranded. the woruldcandel blinds & the realm shines benign as blobs waddle thru smart cities in search of foreign dine. with every week a spectacle to keep them in line, clapping & tapping they’ll cheer the decline. viddy with dumbstruck wonder the crystal domes of plunder, a giddy & feckless fable; gobbling crumbs from the merchant’s table..
syncretised, colonised, appropriated.
what happens when historicity is forbidden? rewritten? revised & castrated?
however much they try to murder and rewrite history for narrow idiotic purposes, the remains of the corpses lie everywhere to be seen, and even heard.
the arcane simplicity of verisimilitude.
“ah yeth, *twiddles hith jabot* the arcane simplithity of verithimilitude!” squeals the ponce, while selling it down the river.
their fictive reality, a phantom future.
Woaw he said it, he said the thing! Wunderbar! Just unglaublich. Not really, very amateur trash today but we will see you next week for even more poetry by local weirdos, only available at The Art Collective: UNHAPPY, DISGUSTING, WOW!